the Letter to his current individual.

Hey ______,
You have heard correctly. I am extremely busy. I am working three part time jobs at the moment and I begin school next Tuesday at the SOMA Institute in downtown Chicago... its going to get a little hectic. but I want this so I am going to make it happen. Working retail has opened my eyes to the fact that it is not at all what I want to spend my life doing. Its brutal. there is a lot of room for error and very little praise for getting the job done correctly. it is simply expected and in a way demanded. personally i will not settle here. its amazing to see so many around me that have held jobs in each of them for years. but enough about my dislike for that particular element of my life. it will change eventually towards the direction i would like to go. i have promised myself that.
On the other note I have not changed my desire to get to know you. but i cannot do that from here. i am a visual person and need to see body language and mannerisms. i need to see how one responds to things in the moment. is there a fear or concern that lays within pertaining to my seemingly suggestive lack of interest? becasue there shouldn't. I love my father and want him to be happy. He has a strong adoration for you and so I trust his judgment. He is wise and I learned to question things from him. Time will allow us to get to know each other. I feel no threat from you or Your relationship with him. It is what it is and don't let the sum of our part disrupt the Whole of what you have with him. stop concerning yourself with my blessing and just love. I am not here to be a burden or stand in the way. just do your thing and when I am home we can connect some more....
As far as the distancing aspect goes. I do it with everyone. Its not something to look so deeply into. As you said before its hard to keep an eye and ear open to things that aren't stationed right in front all the time. I try but forget. I strive to do it all but it just isn't possible if you want to lead and life a healthy life. So I let go of what isn't immediate. And something that amplified that lack of attention into neglect was some bad shit that I got involved with during my travels this summer. I don't want to share any more on behalf of that just yet because I am still coming to terms with it but I was really bad with ingesting stuff I shouldn't have ever begun to touch. I'm still figuring me out. I am young and wild and noticing a lot about myself I want to change. I am on an adventure and know that I am not alone. No one should ever have to to it on their own.. unless they want to. and sometimes i want to be alone and isolated. that's just the type of person i am.
You are part of his family and one day you will be a part of mine too. Just breathe and give it time. all will fall into place as it should and end up the way it should be. But for the time being take care of him. love him. and let him be with his kids when they want it regardless of what he thinks. the other two miss his individual self and undivided attention.
health and happiness
-_____

Vacillated.

I fell asleep early last night reading the 'Life of Pi.' Personally I find that it is written quite well. So far I am only in about 9 chapters, but it has grasped my attention and keeps me wanting to read on further... I still feel like an Idiot about the things I can not remember from the previous night. Honestly I fear for myself. I have a long history of succumbing to spontaneity and desire instead of listening to my intuition and reason. And what is worse is that I see the harm it causes and yet I still proceed down my destructive path[s]. I turn up the earth others are standing on, I cause tornadoes to circulate were others fly and in the end I try and justify my actions to myself because we all must endure experiences. However I cant keep on doing this to those around me or to myself. I cant keep causing worry, fear, sorrow, pain. It is far more hurtful seeing someone cautioning themselves around me than anything else i have ever perceived. And yet I continue to bring people in and then cut them down.
What are we living for? Honestly that is an answer only you can provide for yourself. Where to your passions lie? Where does your heart feel healthy? I enjoy empowering others, bringing their fears to the surface and helping them move beyond them and yet I am trying to teach what I most need to learn. Maybe I am the weak for trying to give others strength. Could I be the wrong for telling and trying to make others believe they are right. Or am I doing the right thing? I don't know becasue only half of what I do has the encouragement of my own heart... And in this life there are two paths that lead to the same place. One of heart and the one without. The one of heart will be joyful and the one without will make you curse your life... I seek duality and balance and am stuck in this fifty/fifty battle between the two paths. I mean they say you need one to know the power of the other.
I guess what it comes down to is to be true to yourself and to not let the influences of those things around you sway your feelings. Keep positive, optimistic and maintain a good grasp on the intuition that lives within you. Know that no matter how old you are there is always the room for change. All you need to do is recognize and strive for it... So with all that I have said I am going to try and recreate the image I see of myself to fit the person I would like to see myself as.

Craziness.

Oct 16th: Woke up at 5am to go to work. Worked from 7am to 12pm. Walked around downtown and picked up my check from work. deposited it and then went to meet my friends at the division ale house. Drank a ton. Went to see my first ice hokey game [Buffalo Sabers vs. Chicago Blackhawks]. Went back to the bar and the last thing I remember was ordering a bacon cheeseburger. The next morning I woke up in the Hospital on Oct 17th at 9am. Everything i owned was still with me and I wasn't injured at all. Phone was dead and I had to be into work by 10am. So I had the IV taken out of me and I hopped on the bus to work. They let me go home early and I slept from 5pm until 8am Oct 18th. I cant remember a single thing. The girls said I got in a cab to go home but then why didn't I get brought here? Did he just throw me onto the road? All I know is that in the report someone called me into the hospital becasue they found me sleeping on the street in the cold. I guess drinking isn't really for me. I feel fine today and am so thankful to have my body intact and all my personal belongings safe. Lets not do that again.

day one: the first post.

So this is what I guess one would call the beginning of postings. I am not sure where to begin. Do I have to keep any elements wrapped up within the confines of social acceptance or can I share freely the expressive nonsense that surfaces in my mind? Many things we think, but never express. Is it safe for me unleash things uncommon to verbalization here? I would hope so, becasue I would like to do so. But then what is uncommon, what is normal? What is anything nowadays but a label we have bestowed upon it and the definition that follows. We are constantly defining, redefining, underlining, and making things more complex in an attempt to be simplifying. I feel more confined than before for where has the awe and wonder gone? I'm not sure to tell you the truth.. but I am going to end here and take a journey to expatiate for it. I'll get back to you with my experiences along the way.